by Angel Lin Zhu
People in high positions oftentimes find that this height also lengthens the social and emotional distance from those in lower ranking positions.Social distance has been claimed as a necessary condition to project prestige and influence in senior leadership positions (Collinson, 2005). Similarly, followers may perceive these socially distant leaders as leaders who have greater skills, power, and character. On the other hand, socially close leaders have a lesser ability to hide potential weaknesses (Cole et al., 2009).There are 3 elements that build social distance: psychological distance, physical distance, and perceived frequencies of interactions (Antonakis & Atwater, 2002).Psychological distance can be exhibited in the conversations that leaders have with other people: they may feel the need to hide their emotions, only show strengths, and always be composed.Physical distance is apparent in workplaces in which c-suite executives work on the top floor, while analysts and others work on the ground floor.Oftentimes top ranking leaders only address the company as a whole a few times each year, which limits the perceived frequency of interactions.
The lack of social support at the “top” is twofold: those at the top are not often provided with sufficient support, and they are hesitant to ask for support.Top performers are often in leadership roles and expected to provide support to their subordinates, but who provides support to their leaders in return?Additionally, top performers naturally have more eyes on them, and this may cause top performers to refrain from exposing any side of themselves that could point to anything less than perfection. They may feel “the need to pretend.”Leaders are encouraged to “be authentic,” but that encouragement presents an additional danger. If they reveal too much and are too authentic, they risk losing others’ approval and lowering other people’s confidence in their leadership. The “authenticity paradox” is another pressure added to the leader’s plate, and the “surface acting” that occurs as a result can lead to abusive management.Additionally, Dr. Julie Gurner has shared that oftentimes, the “Ultra Successful” receive very little sympathy from those who have not shared their success. Their problems may be viewed as “superficial and arbitrary.”
Kelly Oubre Jr., an NBA player, said, “you never know what someone may try to get from you.” Those who have achieved immense amounts of success may suffer from loneliness because their success is so great that it’s difficult to know when someone has ulterior motives.In a similar vein, CEOs may also face the same stressful analysis: Does this person truly care about me, or are they just hoping for a raise, a promotion, or to be my replacement?
Loneliness decreases the effectiveness of sleep – for example, lonely people have a higher likelihood of experiencing sleep fragmentation and waking up tired. In turn, this also weakens the immune system. In fact, loneliness increases the chances of early death by 20%.Additionally, Harvard Business Review’s CEO Snapshot Survey™ revealed that 50% CEOs report experiencing feelings of loneliness, and 61% of them believe it hinders their performance.The surface acting that leaders may utilize to maintain their image eats into their emotional reserves, which makes them more likely to lash out at others. It has also been shown to bleed into their personal lives as well through “bodily aches, burnout, insomnia, and drinking heavily.”
Loneliness is nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed of. In fact, ¼ of the population is experiencing loneliness. Loneliness can actually be a positive feeling because it pushes us toward the “nourishment of human companionship.” It is not a “personality defect or sign of weakness.”The need to belong is not just a human need – it is actually “the most fundamental social need.” Humans can fulfill this social need if they partake in (1) “frequent and pleasant” interactions with a few others and (2) these interactions are in “temporal stability and mutually affective concern.”In practice, this could look like a few things:
1. Build your challenge network: Dr. Adam Grant uses this phrase to describe your network of people who give you constructive criticism and challenge you as a way of supporting you. These people are your go-tos for honest guidance.2. Write thank you notes: Dr. Julie Gurner shared on her X account that she writes one thank you note per month to keep herself grateful. Emotionally, these are also great reminders of the people who are in your circle who support you. These thank you notes will be a gift to the people in your life, and be a great reminder to you that you are not alone.3. Hire a coach or a therapist: A paid professional can support you in several ways – they can help you through tough times, be your champion, and give you an edge. Undivided attention is a rare experience in modern society.4. Be intentional about building your circle: According to Professor Cacioppo, having a “confidant” can help you combat feelings of loneliness. A coach or a therapist is better than no one, but in order to reach maximum effectiveness, there needs to be “mutual aided protection” – for example, two best friends, a healthy spousal relationship, etc.5. Identity delineation: Dr. Julie Gurner has used the metaphor of a table to describe how people should think about their jobs. When a table has 4 legs, it is still able to stand if 1 is kicked down. Rather than thinking of your job as the only thing that creates you as a person, she recommends thinking of it as just 1 of 4 legs. This separation of the role and the person can help you think of yourself as a full person – one who is multifaceted, nuanced, and surrounded by opportunities, people, and possibilities.